I don't have schizophrenia! neither do i!

Ang gulo gulo ko!

Natutunan ko….BABAE ang talo sa ganung set-up. Ang hirap. Para sa akin ha. Kaya ayoko na rin ng MU. Sa susunod na magkaroon ako ng relationship, yung totoo na. YUNG TOTOO TALAGA. Yung tipong masasabi ko…”Ui, BOYFRIEND ko nga pala…Si *toot*” Yung ganun. At sa harap ng magulang ko. Yung tipong kaya ko siyang idefend. Kasi nga …..ew….mushy…but i have to say this…“mahal ko”.

“Once you love, you cannot take it back…cannot undo it.”

Pero…minsan…masaya talaga ang magtatanga-tangahan at mas maniwala sa hindi totoo kaysa sa totoo. Ang sarap kasi makipagusap sa kanya. Ang sarap ng companionship niya. Yun.

hindi ko alam. Ewan bahala na. All I want now is to enjoy the friendship we have. Pero what if..WHAT IF mauwi na naman to sa mga sitwasyong tulad ng nauna? Yung you thought he’s being a really good friend..when all the time he’s just lying and flirting with you. Ang hirap makipaglaban sa kung ano yung pinapaniwalaan mo sa mga sinasabi ng mga taong concerned sa iyo. Hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo. Ano sa tingin mo? After ng mga paguusap namin, I believe hindi siya ganun. Hindi siya totally ganun..

What if totoo yung mga sinasabi nila? (ang kulit eh)

What if nabubulag ka lang kasi nga may gusto ka sa kanya and you would rather not believe them and just be happy? Hindi ka pa kasi yung sunod niyang prey??

Stupid. Shut up.

Sabi nga ni Jacob kay Bella..Why do you always have to love the wrong things?

Bakit nga kasi hindi na lang natin magustuhan yung mga talagang may gusto sa atin.

Ako…hindi ko rin alam. Eto ba yung dapat ko matutunan?

But you would be loving the person for all the wrong reasons?? Kasi obliged ka?? Kasi you have to return the same level of affection in return?? That is so wrong and unfair. Unfair para sa taong nagmamahal sa iyo.

Pero what if may feelings kasi ka naman na talaga for that person and namamask lang ng mga anxieties mo?? Kasi you fear na baka matapos to. You just want to be sure. You don’t want to get hurt. You don’t want him to get hurt. Because if he gets too close…He would know how broken and damaged you are. And he’ll get disappointed and realized you are not the person he thought you were. So you would be rather happy to end this as early as possible before things get too deep.

Someone told me: ABBY, alam mo sa isang relationship hindi lahat nagstastart ng sure. May mga doubts yan. Kaya nga it’s up to those two people to make it work. If it wont, then its not meant to be. It’s that simple.

You don’t know love when you see it. You’ve tricked something out with your imagination that you think love, and you expect the real thing to look like that…

Tanga talaga ko when it comes to love. Hello. Hindi lang naman ata ako ang ganun. Meron ngang iba, kahit binubugbog na ni boyfriend, hindi pa rin papakawalan. “Eh mahal ko eh.” Ganun lang yun eh. And so what kung lahat eh ayaw kay lalaki? Sila ba makikisama? Sila ba ang nagmamahal? Hindi. Ako yun. Ako ang masasaktan pag iniwan niya ko. Ako ang iiyak tuwing gabi.

As I have mentioned sa previous post ko, “And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.” Ganyan ako when it comes to love.

AMPOTA. ANO BUZZ. 

BIG HELLO to 2012

Before this year ends, I just want to thank God for giving me blessings that I have been yearning for so long. I truly believe that seek, ask and you shall find as He will do all the rest. He have given me so much hope that I knew He is slowing opening my wings to where my heart leads me to. But as he said, before going to the matters of the heart, let’s be practical first.

This may not be the best year yet - for me. Still, I think this year has taught me a lot of things and a bounty of wonderful realizations along the way. Though I feel like, I’m barely setting foot on my age, life’s circumstances has taught me ways that I am slowly indeed getting it through adulthood without losing sense of my inner self.

..And after all has been said and done - ticking of priorities and doing things that make me happy, praying the Rosary with my family is the only truest activity that gives me so much hope and strength that I need for all the things I’ve been striving for in life and giving me the love that I truly need.

So what are you thankful for this 2011? Let’s say a big hello to 2012! :)

Busses and Train

Nanay: Ayusin mo kama mo!
Badong: Nay, magugulo naman yan ulit. Bakit ko pa aayusin? Para lang akong nagmahal tapos masasaktan muli.
Nanay: Ay, sorry naman anak. Emo ka?

When I received this text message, napa-oo na lang ako. Tama nga naman yung analogy e. Bakit ka pa e-effort na linisin at ayusin, e alam mo naming gugulo din at masisira ang pagkaka-ayos? But in the long run, after too much pondering on this, (oo, pinag-isipan ko ito ng bonggang-bongga) na-realize ko na hindi pala tama. Sabi kasi, “para lang akong nagmahal tapos masasaktan muli.”

Bakit mali? Because to love is an exhilarating feeling; loving someone, may it be a parent, a friend, or a dog, is something that makes one human. Love is the very reason that sets us apart from animals and plants. Masarap ma-in love, masarap ang feeling ng in love, masarap pag may
nagmamahal.

And so what kung masaktan ka? Pain is inevitable. At least, nag-mahal ka; you know for yourself that what you had was genuine love. Napatunayan mong tao ka because you’re capable of loving, even if you got hurt in the end. Oo, hindi biro ang masaktan. Sobrang nakakamatay. Understatement pa nga ata yung nakakamatay eh. Kasi, once na masaktan ka, you just want the world to end; kung pwede lang lamunin ka ng mundong ibabaw para mawala ang sakit.

Don’t get me wrong, I had my own fair share of heartbreaks, and to be honest, ayokong balikan yung mga panahong iyon. The moments of endless crying at night; the times that you simply couldn’t eat because you remembered that person; the instances when you wake up and you check your phone out of habit and realizing that he wouldn’t be texting you anymore. You’ll find yourself crying at every moment possible, kasi it’s one way of letting out your pain, your anguish, your sentiments, your regrets. You’d constantly tell yourself “I’ve moved on. Kaya ko to,” but at
the end of the day, hindi pa pala. Akala mo ok ka na—your facade says so. But deep inside you, under those smiles, you’re still hurting deep inside; you’re still nurturing the very last drop of hope na babalik sya ulit at magkaka-ayos kayo.

Oo, napag-daanan ko na lahat yan; even those endless rants to your friends. Kahit na purgang-purga na mga kaibigan mo sa mala-telenobela mong kwento at hinaing na dulot niya, you still continue to rant about him; you still continue to let out everything. Kahit yung minute details ng mga times you guys were together would be relayed to your friends. Tapos, maiiyak ka na naman…going back to memory lane.

So I walked under a bus, I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love, which is kind of the same
I sunk out at sea, crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good, I wanna do it again.

The verse I wrote above is from the song Buses and Trains. It is currently my favourite song together with Taylor Swift’s Teardrops on my Guitar.

Ang mga lalaki, wais. Hindi sila manliligaw hangga’t walang assurance na gusto din ni babae si lalaki. Tsssk. Subtle hints lang ang binibigay ni lalaki, minsan pa nga, wala. Tapos, pag nalaman niyang may pag-asa sya kay babae, go—ligaw time! Kung wala talagang hope, ok lang; eh di hindi sya manliligaw. It’s a different case for us girls. Let’s face it, there’d be times na we misinterpret the things guys do to us. Sabi nga ni Bob Ong, “hindi porke’t lagi kayong magkasama, e gusto ka na niya.” It’s a hard truth. Physical attachment may or may not indicate na he likes you. Kasi, there are guys na paasa. Kung hindi naman paasa si lalaki, for example, at gusto ka niya talaga, tapos nagustuhan mo na sya or gusto mo din talaga sya, biglang maglalaho si lalaki. Gets? Ang jologs ng analogy na gagamitin ko, but here it is: yung tipong sinubo niya ang mainit na kanin, at bigla niya itong iluluwa kasi nga mainit. Parang ganun ang situation. Gets pa rin? Basta, yun na yun.Hindi ko ginegeneralize ang mga lalaki.

I’m just recounting my experiences and experiences of my friends with guys.Shit. Ang long blog pala nito. Nakakatamad na tapusin. Hahaha.

Yikes. Ang bitin pala.